Let's be honest....

So, as I'm learning about this whole realm of blogging, one thing I'm having a hard time finding a balance of is what to share.  I mean... it's so easy to share the sweet savory moments with our little ones and the fun things that we do, but I don't want to come across as this "I've got it all together" kind of mom.  At the same time, do our family and friends really want to read about the not so sweet moments in our everyday lives?  I mean... is posting about how I completely lost my temper with my toddler encouraging for anyone else to read?  It's not that I want to necessarily share those things, but at the same time, I don't want to give off this impression that I have it all figured out and am this great mom, wife, friend, etc who is doing everything right.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  All that to say, I hope whoever comes along and decides to read my mediocre blog, finds encouragement and not insufficiency.


So with that being said, this blog post isn't about the great city that the boys and I built in our living room that had them entertained for hours... it's about real life and real struggles.


I always heard that parenting was hard, and I get it... the never ending hours, the lack of sleep, the constant trying to meet everyone's needs, the worrying, etc.  However one thing I wasn't prepared for was the complete inadequacy I would feel as a mom.  I can do it... I can be mom... I can meet the needs of my kids, love them, nurture them, teach them.  But can I do it well?  No.  Not by myself.  This is the realization that I have come to over and over again since becoming a mom 3 1/2 years ago, but only in the last month or so have I reached the point of "I seriously can't do this on my own strength."  It's not because I'm overwhelmed with three little ones (although I definitely have those days), but it's because I want to do this well.  I don't just want to raise my kids to be good people or to be successful.  I want to raise them to be lovers of Christ and lovers of others, to be full of grace and mercy, to be humble and courageous, and to serve.  How can I do those things when I fall so short?  That is such a tall order!  My daily prayer over these last couple weeks has been for the Lord to teach me to love my children the way that He does, to show them the same grace and mercy that He shows me.  Can I just be really honest?  I feel like I am failing on a daily basis to be the mom that Christ wants me to be.  I am selfish, I am impatient, I get frustrated.  I am a sinful human being who is worth nothing without Christ.  However, on days that I hand over the reigns, I notice a profound difference.  It's not because I'm any better of a mom on those days, but it's because I'm allowing Christ to love my children through me.  I'm allowing his wisdom to flow through me and help me respond with love rather than hatefulness.  It's amazing and more than anything it's teaching me how I can do this and do it well with the Lord's help.


Now, the number of days I have actually allowed that to happen over the last two weeks, I can count on one hand.  Sigh.


It's really challenging.  Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own?  Why is it so difficult for me?  Everyone else seems to be doing alright.  Why am I struggling so much?  I mean, like I said, I can be mom.  I can take care of my children and love them and have fun with them, but I feel like my job is so much more than that.  I want to be the mom that Christ has called me to be.  I want to set an example for them.  I've realized that I have no idea what I am doing.  God himself designed my children, He knit them together and He alone knows everything about them.  I need His wisdom to know how to love them as individuals, to appreciate their strengths and weaknesses, to know how to love them, speak to them, train and discipline them.  I just can't do it on my own.  What a humble place to be to reach the realization that I desperately need Christ to help me raise my own children, His children.  What a great place to be at the same time.  I never want to become too prideful in my parenting skills that I think I can do it on my own.  I will fail miserably.  Yet with Christ loving them through me, I can be the mom He created me to be to these children He has blessed John David and I with.


Caleb and I had a conversation at lunch the other day.  He was telling me that he had been a good boy the previous morning except for when he sat in time out for pushing his brother.  We talked about how we all make mistakes, every one of us, mommy, too.  We talked about how we desperately need Jesus to forgive us and to help us be better.  I'm learning.  I desperately need Jesus to help me be better... not because I'm a terrible mom, but because I want to be a better mom.

We sang this song in church a few weeks ago that I ended up downloading to my ipod and listening to over and over again because it's really "hitting the spot" right now...

Here are some of the lyrics:

"From the Inside Out"  by Hillsong

A thousand times I've failed still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame.

I fail ever single day, I stumble and fall, but God's grace is sufficient.  His love is never ending and ultimately it's about Him and not me.  Thankfully my children will still see Him shine as they see how desperately I need His mercy.  I know that I can't put out His light no matter how much I screw up.  Praise God!

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame.

I pray that I will put His will above mine on a daily basis and learn how to point my children toward Him.  I need to set my agenda aside and fulfill the purpose God has given my life, which right now revolves around loving and serving my husband and children.  It's not about me.

In my heart, in my soul

I give you control

Consume me from the inside out

Let justice and praise 

Become my embrace

To love you from the inside out

This is my prayer.  To be consumed from the inside out.  For Christ's love to overflow from my heart to my lips.  To extend his love through my hands, to be His hands and feet.  And for that to be evident in my relationships with my husband and children.

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise

From the inside out

Lord my soul cries out

I am desperate.  I am desperate for the Lord's love, mercy, grace and guidance in order to raise my children the way that I feel I am called to.  I am so thankful that He is waiting to extend all of those things to me although I am undeserving.  All I have to do is ask.